Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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