i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
