drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
