I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
