I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
