Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
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We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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