HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Randomize
