the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
