I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
