you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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