Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
