You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
