And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
