My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
MIDGETS
????
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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