eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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