If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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