Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
