Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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