Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
