i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
