SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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