Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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