Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
