he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
