were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
