I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
