shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
