bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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