I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
