what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
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I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
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It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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