I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
