I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
