I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
