i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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