I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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