theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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