so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
