He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
