I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
