did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
