The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
