just tell him i said nine months
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
