you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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