Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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