So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
