you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
