Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
