Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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