i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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