i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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