As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
