So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
