His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
