Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
