My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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