Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
