I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
