I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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