i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
