I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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