lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I forget how to act sober
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
