I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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