Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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