I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I could fuck to npr.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
